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[18th May, 2012] |
Shea: Are you going down with us?
Me: No. I can't even count how many times I've told them that if they just try and plan their trips to College Springs a little better instead of this spontaneous bullshit, I would be able to ask for the weekend off and go!
Shea: o.O They've known about this one for a while because we're going to a grad party. For Candace's son.
Me: They never said a word to me.
Sometimes I just get the feeling my family doesn't want me anymore.
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[17th May, 2012] |
Man. The past two days have been really really okay.
Yesterday Grandma spoiled the FUCK out of me. Spent $106 on dresses for me. ._.; And of course she fed me. And she bought some fabric to make me a purse! She wants me to make it but I'm scared to ruin the fabric because it was expensive so I said she should make this one and I'll do another one. xD She's always REALLY encouraged my sewing, but I'm really crummy anymore. I haven't practiced in forever so she wants to grease my wheels again.
I looked cute for work today buuuut...
Work SUCKED. They threw way too much at me to do. I had to be mens, juniors, and misses for a while. I still got a lot of shit done and I'm totally proud of myself, though only Carole really gave me any positive reinforcement.
Joann Fabrics is hiring. Pretty stoked to apply. They were so chill when I went in. I think I'd fit in purtty well.
I get home and plug my dead phone in to see I have a voicemail. From Target! Wanting to do an interview! Kenny thinks I should do both but I'm kind of scared to. We'll see I guess.
My Zelda shirt arrived. AND MY IRON MAN BOOOOOOOOOK. FUCK YEAH.
I also plugged the toilet and it refuses to plunge so far. ._. my hands hurt. I was at it for fifteen minutes. >.< I don't want to have to call the maintenance man! I doubt he's even here. :l And he doesn't need to see my plugged tampon.
I'd say today was about sixty/forty on the stress/no-stress ratio.
I'm kind of looking up. :3
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[9th May, 2012] |
I suppose I ought to charge my phone. I am terrible with dates, but I think today may be the anniversary of Jay's death because Shea made a post about how great a dad he was.
He really was a pretty awesome guy. I even miss him now and again. I was thinking just the other day on the way to the Avengers that he and Kenny probably would have gotten along great. That would have been awesome. It's crazy to think how many people we lost in such a short span of time. Carla, then years later, Mommy. Then Grandpa, then Jay, and then Grandma Bonnie. A lot of people you just don't expect to leave you. And certainly not so fast. Fast in all sorts of senses. Grandpa Glynn and Grandma Bonnie got sick and left us in about a week. But with Mommy and Jay, they were just sick SUDDENLY and then had to suffer.
They always say that in the grieving process that there's a time where you ask "Why? Why them and why me?" I never did. I was honestly never mad that they were taken from me. You could say I'm blinded by my faith but I think God took them for a reason. We all had to grow without them. And I think we all did.
Carla may not have ever come back to Iowa and bonded with all of us had she not learned she was sick. I know I would have become a shut in with Mommy. Not because she did her job poorly, but I think because she did it too well. I never wanted to leave Momma's side. Had Grandpa not passed, Dad would have never made amends with Marjorie and Grandma. I think Jay's death motivated Shea to do better with her life than the petty shit that she had swirling around her. It seems like a lot of the things she does is rooted to Jay. And Grandma Carol really needed to escape Grandma Bonnie. She really does seem a lot happier not having to help her every minute of every day. It was hard on her.
I know that this is a little immature, but the way Shea did her post I almost thought she was talking about my dad. And I was shocked. But she wasn't. I get offended by how much she dislikes dad sometimes. I really try my best to get along with Angela, and I think I really do anymore now that she's not a raving psycho. And Dad's not crazy anymore, either. But sometimes I think Shea doesn't try to put forth the effort to just understand that that is the way dad is sometimes. She said she "couldn't have asked for a better father." Which is true. Jay was awesome.
I probably could have asked for a better father, honestly. Dad's difficult sometimes. But at least he tries. Shea was spoiled with her perfect parents, I think sometimes. I'm not saying that her life was any easier than mine. She had other things to go through, but I dunno. -shrugs- I guess maybe I'm just glorifying myself. ._.; Oops.
I'll stop being philosophical now. xD;
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[7th May, 2012] |
Mrh : Cyrus- -making a cheerio fortress-
Dear : Xei- Yeah... They'll learn.. Maybe.. *me looks over and highfives Cyrus on the fortess*
Mrh: .... WHUT? xD oh I get it now. I thought you meant "on the fortress" as if it were an apendage. xD;;;
Dear: hahaha Hey baby
Mrh : o.o
Dear : Look at my Fortress :-D
Mrh : HEH
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[3rd May, 2012] |
I stopped at the house today and left the saw for Daddy with a kind of passive-aggressive note. xD;
"I thought we had made plans on Sunday and I must admit I was kinda bummed that you guys didn't come over or let me know why. Didn't need the saw after all! Love Mrh!"
Well, Angela sent me a text and said that she didn't have a very good night on Saturday and apologized repeatedly that she was SO sorry she forgot she had made plans with me and that she felt like a "big fat loser mommy" and promised to fry me bacon. xD I said I was cool with that and that she wasn't a fat loser mom, and she said that she still felt like a Bruno turd and I told her no mommy manifested poop. xD
So. All is well now.
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[29th April, 2012] |
I don't want to spam. I usually post my willy-nilly thoughts on Tumblr, but Shea's on there, and my family kind of really hurt my feelings.
When I went to the house to borrow something from them on moving night, Dad seemed fine. Shea was even home. And I am unsure what Angela had been doing all day. Sister and Angela could have helped us that evening. But they didn't. Yesterday, parents said that they might stop over. I haven't heard anything from them yet. My best bet is that they forgot. Also Shea said yesterday she might come over, or today. I never heard from her again. My best guess is that she just decides not to. And she won't tell me. She always makes vague plans so she doesn't have to commit.
I know they won't have any idea they hurt my feelings when they do that to me unless I tell them, but honestly, you think that they'd just NOT do that. They wouldn't do that to anyone else. Why do they feel like they can just shrug me off? They do this all the time. They are so, so unreliable. I feel like I don't have anyone to lean on sometimes. Except for you guys. Honestly.
Why does it smell in here? I wonder if it's my shirt.
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[23rd April, 2012] |
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I forgot it is customary to buy your significant other a gift on your anniversary. ._.;;;;
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[20th April, 2012] |
It's funny how one thing leads to another.
Angela asked me last night if I had called Target and I told her I actually told her the truth that I chickened out and was to nervous to call. This led to a long discussion that I am still depressed and she made me feel a little better. She actually listened to me this time around, instead of dismissing my feelings, asking me what it is I have to be sad about. Maybe it had something to do with my Facebook status that she would have been able to see.
"I hate when people ask what I have to be stressed about when I express that I am. Like there should be no possible way that a poor, uneducated twenty-one year old should have any reason to be spazzed out. Fuck off, loser. My problems may be different from yours, but it doesn't make them any less aggravating."
Which, actually, that status was more directed at Melanie asking me what I was stressed about, but Angela often asks me the same thing and it drives me nuts.
But step-mommy understood that I might not be completely miserable, but miserable than most people. I told her that I hate saying that I'm miserable as well, because I know there are people out there that are far more worse off than I, but she told me that I shouldn't have to make myself feel even more miserable thinking that way. My feelings are my feelings and they are always valid. Even if I am just really down and out from just one day of work.
She said I needed to go to the doctor. But she was more sensitive about it than dad was when he told me while he was helping me lift my laundry into the car. :l She made me feel better. ;-;
While I was at the house I read a mean article this dude wrote making fun of these really amazing cosplayers. (It's all over Tumblr and Twitter now. I'm sure if you searched it you'd find something easily.) He basically called them all fat or unattractive in some way, and even made fun of a girl's freckles at some point. Well, the cosplay community kind of exploded at him in the comments and told him he was a dick basically and even pointed out that he had negative comments about a woman from one of the superhero troupes that go to hospitals to try and cheer up sick kids. He issued a crappy apology and basically said something along the lines of "I expected to get more bad cosplays of Black Widow and finding poor ones was harder than I thought, so I had to make fun of decent ones in order to do my piece." That he didn't intend to make fun of these girls' and women's aesthetics but that he kind of just did on accident. All of it made me really mad. REALLY mad. I cried.
I can't remember the last time anyone picked on me for the way I look. Mean kids at work say something every once in a while. But I think the last time someone told me I just looked bad was in high school. I still really get nervous about my appearance. I even talked to Angela that I know I don't look half as bad as some people out in the world, but that when I was younger and skinnier people had bad things to say about me and it just makes me worry all the more these days. I feel fat but I know I'm not OBESE or anything. But I still just feel so desperate to cover myself. I've been buying a lot more make-up lately again to try and make my face look decent in order to make up for my gut.
I kind of veered off topic. What I was really trying to get down to saying is that I'm so lucky to have Kenny and you guys who don't care what I look like. I can only imagine what those women felt like being bashed when they thought they looked amazing. And they did. I've been feeling pretty optimistic about life lately, but then things like that remind me how skuzzy some people are in the world and I kind of get funky again. ._.
Also, Amy, why you on Yahoo and no say words to Mrh?
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[14th April, 2012] |
I had a hard time cheering up last night. I just felt like I had sunk into a hole and couldn't crawl out. Kenny did his best to brighten my night and he did a little bit. Then I woke up this morning.
I called in. And I knew that'd be a problem, especially with the new manager. And Jane said so. She said that he really doesn't like that and I told her I know "I'm just not myself today." I'm really not. I can't stop crying. She said that I really need to come in if I can, because she doesn't want me to see me lose my job. I won't say that I LIKED that she showed concern... but like... I dunno. At least I know someone doesn't hate me. But the really sad thing is...
I don't care anymore. I don't care if I get fired at this point. It would almost feel like an accomplishment. Like I finally rid myself of them. It's awful, I know.
I ran away to the house. Literally. I wanted Kenny to think that I went to work, but once again I forgot that I'm signed on to AIM, and he can see me. I haven't gotten any messages, so maybe he won't think anything of it, or didn't notice.
I applied to Target in Altoona. Not a lot of positions. So I'm going to call them on Monday and if they say they can't interview me, I'll apply to Ankeny.
Daddy was so sad that I was sad. He didn't know how to handle me and I felt so bad. I had hoped that he was gone already so he wouldn't have to see me like this. He kept asking me what I was sad about and he just couldn't understand that I'm just sad. And then when he finally did he was just like, "Oh, you're depressed. You should really go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants then, sweetie." I dunno. I just felt like he didn't think I was serious about the fact that I really am depressed. I don't think Angela ever told him that I used to be on anti-depressants. I can't motivate myself to go to the doctor for anything. I'm just too scared and "helpless."
He said they could pay for school and Kenny said that I can get financial aid, but then I can't pay for our new expensive apartment.
Mew mew. I don't know what else to say. Possible rough waters up ahead.
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[5th April, 2012] |
So apparently I was supposed to work today. Noon to five. I even had it written down, but for DAYS now I thought that I was off today. Jane even called me at like, one forty-three, but I had left my phone in my room because I had chosen to ignore it all day and have fun. Big mistake. I didn't check it until five thirty. I started sobbing hysterically and left immediately.
When I got there the office door was closed. That always means something serious is going on back there, or something bad. It made me cry more. Everyone told me to chill out. I left a note up there saying "Mariah was an idiot and read her sched. wrong. She got here at 6:30, saw the door was closed and was too scared to come in."
Everyone tells me to "read the note." What note? I go and look. Apparently it was only posted today, but I guess Denny our head manager is transferring with the Jordan Creek manager. Tomorrow is his last day. It was sudden, confusing, and odd to me. Why? How long ago was this decided and why are we only hearing about it the day before it happens? When Veronica and Cory transferred we knew weeks in advanced. I didn't think it was very classy. I guess Greg's a prick, too. I heard that from more than one person. Lovely.
I finally clock in and get to my department. Melanie was nice to me. -- Augh. Fucking Robin talking to me right now and I don't care about a fucking thing she has to say. -___-
She left now. I think she could tell I'm in a pissy mood.
Melanie says to me, "Work on 500s. Get the Z-rail done. Go get one more cart of 500s. Do recovery at 8:30. If you can't no later than 9:00." I say okay. That was an achievable goal. We got all the 500s done. We put the Z away. We get another cart of 500s. We put most of that away. Two racks left out of three dressing rooms is pretty good. It comes to 9:00. Sean tells me that there are to be absolutely no 500s in the dressing rooms. He says it nicely. Doesn't have anything smart to say about my progress or anything. I guess then there will be no recovery done. So Sarah and I are like, fine. We'll stick to 500s. We'll go with what Sean says over what Melanie says because Sean's the boss.
Well Sarah comes to my dressing room to drop things off and apparently Holly had said to her, "I guess I'm supposed to help you guys since I hear you're not doing your jobs." Sarah said she couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. It pissed me off. I finish cleaning my room and go over to help Sarah, Holly comes in and tells us to pick up the pace. That finally seals the deal. I'm not happy anymore whatsoever. I do not smile the rest of the night, I do not talk unless necessary. I avoid Holly and Sean at all costs.
What it all comes down to is that this is not out of the ordinary or unusual. No one thinks that I put forth any effort at that place, but I know I fucking do. They have no faith in me. No one ever does. Not them, not my family. Everyone's always doubting me. I try so hard to impress. I try so hard and my efforts are always unnoticed. I don't know what I can do anymore when I'm told three different things. I can't keep up. Even the managers have different approaches on how we are to do things. None of it makes any sense to me anymore! If I'm told to go in one direction I just get jerked back by another person asking me just what do I think I am doing! I don't know anymore!
And really. If they all think I do such a poor job... Why don't they just tell me?
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[30th March, 2012] |
The landlady at the other apartment isn't returning any of our calls. And I guess maybe another apartment in our building is open that has three bedrooms. I don't know what's going on anymore. Everyone wants to move into the apartment here.
My heart's kind of sunk. I don't want to be here anymore.
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[27th March, 2012] |
I have no money. Literally. And less that a fourth of a tank of gas to last me two days. But I'm still just so chipper because we are moving.
It's like two minutes down the street. It's gonna cost more, but it's bigger and I'm just eager for change. Three bedrooms. I don't even care if Mike and Robin have the master bedroom. It's really the same size as our room and their bathroom is smaller than ours, it's just attached to their room. We get the two other bedrooms and the guest bathroom which is enormous. Robin doesn't want us to decorate the living room, so she can fucking shove it. She said that we can "finally have people over" which was a stab at me being messy. Who the fuck do you know in this town to invite over? :l I don't invite people over because she's annoying honestly. xD We'll be on the second floor with a really big patio and no neighbors just meandering about and talking at me through my open window. ~_~ And we'll be on the other side of the apartment from them so they can't hear our bed squeak when we fool around. :l I'll be honest I'm pretty stoked about that.
I wish that with all these changes I could get a new job too. So I might look around. I feel like I can start all over. Start really keeping myself organized, save some money, and I would really seriously look into starting an Etsy. ;3; make cute little bobbles and shit. I'll have the space. And now I'll have a chance to really start getting rid of things.
We said we were going to decorate our hallway and she didn't believe us. xD She's stupid.
Also Angela did not sound happy that we were still going to live with them, but we are so fucking dirt poor. ._. so she can shove it.
I still don't know if I'm ever going to school.
Oh yeah, and also Angela said that Natey might live in the same apartments. ._.; I really hope I don't ever get asked to babysit his girlfriend's kids. They're weird little boys... But I doubt it. Now I'm just thinking out loud.
GRANDMA THREW DOWN MORE THAN SEVENTY BUCKS ON ME TODAY. @_@ fuck yeah being the only grandchild.
The end.
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[9th March, 2012] |
I officially do not want to live here or with them anymore. v.v --3
You'd think that'd be a reasonable request, but I know we're going to be stuck with them for the rest of our lives now. I can just sense it.
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[28th February, 2012] |
I really hate having everyone away from me. I woke up sad this morning.
We're going to Jordan Creek today, though. So maybe I can cheer up a little.
I kind of miss being important.
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[19th February, 2012] |
._. I don't even know what I want to complain about. I have a bump on my leg that hurts that I am convinced is a horrible tumor. I have no one to hang out with on these beautiful days, I have no marriage plans, and I don't think my manager ever planned on interviewing me. And I'm too chicken shit to ask.
-shrugs- just life sucking I guess.
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[9th February, 2012] |
Yes, I will say it. I am jealous of my Kenny. I'm naturally a jealous person, which shouldn't be a valid argument, but that explains my behavior a little bit, right? I'm jealous of his tablet, I'm jealous of his nice parents, I'm jealous of all the nice things his random friends give him, and i'm jealous that he talks to chrissy more than I even do anymore. It sucks. I woke up angry at nothing and everything today and that sucks even more.
I feel like poop. I don't even want to be around him this evening.
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[31st January, 2012] |
Kenny and I are all made up. Have been. I didn't really update that stuff. Not that we were furious with each other anyway.
Grandma made me a little mad. I told her I didn't have fifty dollars to pay for the car registration, so I asked if I could pay her back (seeing as pay day is the very next day) and she asked me if she could have my word. Asked if she could trust that I'd pay her back. Is it socially or morally acceptable to tell your grandmother to fuck off? I figured not, so that's why I didn't say it. :/
Also, I officially do not like David. I have a feeling he's gonna be over a lot more often since he got kicked out of his dad's house AND his aunt and uncle's house. :l He's been staying with Boyse and Ashley, but I figure that will only last so long. I told Kenny if he does stay here for an extended period of time, I will not stay here. That is WAY too many fucking people in such a small area. He said that wouldn't happen. =_= Damn right it wouldn't. My pussy's way better than David's. -cackles-
DQ's flavor of the month is something called like "Cherry Choco Explosion" and I said that was me on my period. I found myself to be hilarious. :D The end.
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[30th January, 2012] |
Kenny is dead set on buying at least a $200 tablet with his tax return. Let's remember what else we need money for:
-Mariah's ticket
-Miscellaneous wedding expenses
-Mariah's wedding ring?
-A "honeymoon" to Disney World
-Potential moving expenses in April
His excuse is that things have come up every tax return when he wanted to get his tablet. Well that's fucking life kid. I'd be fine if he got a nice one around $100, but he wants to get some elaborate mother fucker that's too nice for us. Plain and simple. He doesn't need anything that nice. :l
He said he'd "help" me pay my ticket. Which means he will put in as little as he can, and if he has to pay for the entire thing, then I'm going to have to pay him back. He better fucking recognize that when we're married... there will be no "pay my back" or "help you pay." Even now it shouldn't be "I need to pay my ticket" it should be "We need to pay my ticket."
I'm actually VERY mad about this, but haven't said anything about it yet because I know he will get pissed with me for saying anything.
But this time I really am right.
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[28th January, 2012] |
I got really excited about going window shopping with Angela today. She said she'd get me "some time this afternoon"
Now she says she's going to get me at four.
I don't know why I got my hopes up. She always cancels on me. I don't know why today would be any different.
I have a feeling today may be wasted.
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[26th January, 2012] |
GRANDPURRENTS ARE GIVING ME THEIR CAMARY. :D FOR FREE! They are even getting new tires for it. This is such a blessing. ._. Like, srsly. Like, ohhhh mah gawed. @_@ Hooray.
MOTHER FUCKING WHEE.
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