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[28th January, 2012] |
I got really excited about going window shopping with Angela today. She said she'd get me "some time this afternoon"
Now she says she's going to get me at four.
I don't know why I got my hopes up. She always cancels on me. I don't know why today would be any different.
I have a feeling today may be wasted.
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[26th January, 2012] |
GRANDPURRENTS ARE GIVING ME THEIR CAMARY. :D FOR FREE! They are even getting new tires for it. This is such a blessing. ._. Like, srsly. Like, ohhhh mah gawed. @_@ Hooray.
MOTHER FUCKING WHEE.
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[24th January, 2012] |
I know I complain a lot about no one listening to me. But it's reached a new level. Kenny really hurt my feelings today.
Me: I love you. And I like your parents. ._. But I don't want to live with them anymore.
Kenny: O.o
Me: They're driving me crazy. T.T I don't know if I can handle living in an apartment with them for six more months. I don't know if it's even helping having them around. I still pay about as much rent as I usually do. Only lately have I not because of my crappy pay checks.
(let us all keep in mind that Robin and Mike had moved in originally because we wanted to try and shift the rent distribution so I could go back to school. I still pay $100 or $150 a month anyway)
Kenny: It is helping a lot. You're gonna have to learn to deal with it because I don't think we can even afford to live there by ourselves anymore.
I was trying to open up and say that I don't feel comfortable in my own home anymore and he told me to basically shut the fuck up and get over it. He asked me what it was that was bothering me and I told him to just forget it. I'm not going to tell him all the things that they've been doing to make me feel like shit because he's just going to take it personally. he kept texting me but I ignored all of it because I was crying.
It's not fair. Any time I ever say anything about his parents irking me even in just the littlest way, he jumps on me. But any time I invite him to my parents, he'll flat out tell me he just doesn't want to go. The other day I was really depressed and I went to the house to do laundry. I asked him to stay for just an hour and he whined. Said, "well I really wanted to get back home." so I just said nevermind. Then he made a "compromise." He said I'll eat my hot pockets and then I'll leave. It was like ten in the morning. He didn't have to be to work until four. Why wouldn't he want to spend time with me?
I know you guys know how upset I was when we first moved here because Kenny would almost NEVER go to my parents house, and if he did it's because I had to absolutely BEG him.
-Kenny asked nicely to clean the room today. Why didn't he do it yesterday on his day off?
-I went to the bathroom this morning, yet again, someone changed the toilet paper.
-Last night I came out to the living room to say hi to Boyse and Ashley. My peach soda water was on the table half drank. I didn't drink it, someone else did.
-Kenny, Robin, Ashley, and Boyse all in the living room. I sit down, Robin turns her back to everyone and starts talking at me. I don't have a single clue as to what. She had all night to talk to the rest of everyone, and she's just SPITTING all these stories at me.
-Ashley didn't say hi to me. :l But that's not the point.
-Robin can be in the bathroom and I'm on my way to my room and she just keeps talking and talking and talking and I never know if I am free to close my door or not because she just keeps GOING. I SWEAR TO YOU, she does not talk that much to Kenny! It's fucking exhausting. I don't understand how someone could just SPEAK everything that comes to their mind. Even I've learned to quit that. (now is an exception)
-She also keeps calling me Mufasa. That's not a bad thing, it's just weird.
Is it so much to ask for my fiance to just say, "I'm sorry that they're driving you a little bonkers. But we can make it through this and it'll pay off in the end." No. Instead he says get over it. That we're poor and need them. "I am pushing myself to try and be positive and make something of my life. I feel like every change I get to make strides and start building, shit gets knocked down" (that's probably about me needing a car now) "I'm not trying to dismiss you, and while I wish it could be just us again, we would be fucked without the extra money coming in right now. And unless we start making more money, we need their help right now."
That's how it always ends. Everything becomes a Kenny sob story. Maybe it's selfish of me to point out how selfish Kenny is, but sometimes, I just want a little sympathy. I'm tired of giving it all to him.
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[22nd January, 2012] |
I'm literally going to stay in my room all day and avoid everything.
Robin said something about spending the day with Ashley and I PRAY that I will not be invited. I think I officially just don't want to bother with her anymore. Just... ugh. ._.
I need to talk to Grandma. I just don't want to. The end.
I also don't want to have to listen to Robin talk all day. I don't want her asking me to do things. Maybe I'm selfish too, but I don't hear her ever asking Kenny to do the dishes. Literally. I'm just grouchy about dumb stuff like that.
I don't want to even LOOK at the cat.
I might leave once to walk to Hy-Vee for some lunch. ._.; A turkey sammich sounds really yummy. :c
I literally say literally way too much. Like... literally. (that was humor right there)
IWANTMYDELICIOUSSANDWICH!
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[18th January, 2012] |
I will be getting no money for Trooper. Which means I have to pay my ticket myself and buy a car myself. Dad's only plan is to have me mooch my grandparents' van, (which I absolutely do not want to do whatsoever) and save our money until April when I get a tax return. That is a very long time from now, which only makes me feel like this is a STUPID idea. Also he told me to put off the wedding. So I guess I'm going to.
I legitimately hate my life right now.
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[18th January, 2012] |
My doctor said my brain was fine, but I still worry about all my typos. ._. I kept talking backwards yesterday, too. Like if I tried to say something like, "He put the food in the microwave" it was always like, "He put the microwave in the food." Or it'd take me a long time to try and figure out what I was trying to say to someone. ;-; I don't want dain bramage.
I dunno how many of you really want details or anything. ._. Y'all can ask for them or something. I don't mind sharing so much. I just didn't like looking at my car. >.< Kenny said I was supposed to take pictures for insurance purposes, but I didn't. I didn't think of that in the first place, but really, I just didn't want to. I'm really embarrassed by all of this. Mostly because of my ticket. "Failure to Maintain Control." I DO feel like a failure about everything. I'm just so glad that I didn't hurt anyone else. The lady that was behind me and let me stay in her car while everything was happening, said she was pregnant. ._. if I had hurt her, I seriously would not have been able to live with myself. I would have had to pay for her hospital bill in reality!
It still upsets me. I feel so guilty. Sooooo guilty.
I don't hurt as much today as everyone said I would. So tomorrow will probably be worse. I still want to call in though. ._. I think working six and a half hours would wear me out. ;-; I hope Denny won't be mad at me. Cause I'm supposed to close tonight. Jane was nice about everything yesterday, though. I don't know why he shouldn't be. Because I'm an evil fiend that wants to steal his lunch that was unrecognizable. I just looooooove thieving. The whole idea upsets my stomach. T^T
It hurts my back to cough. And the back of my head hurts when I yawn. I have a bump on my forehead that doesn't hurt, and my right cheek is almost raw from rubbing my tears away. But that's just because I have REALLY sensitive skin right there. My elbow hurts so I assume I have a bruise there that I can't see yet. I have a really dark bruise on my knee, and my ankle hurts a little bit. And my neck is really really stiff. My knuckles all hurt from grabbing my wheel so hard. ._.;;; I look haggard. ;-; So I really don't want to have to go to work ugly. My butt's a little sore, too. xD
I honestly thought I was gonna die. That's why I gave up driving. I give up a lot anyway. ._. It's in my nature. I get frustrated, so I just decide, "FUCK IT." Welp, that's how I was yesterday. I was like, "I'M GONNA DIE, HERE GOES." and then it didn't happen, so I was like, "OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME OR ANYONE ELSE." and he didn't. People always say it happens so fast, I felt it took forever because I had my eyes closed. I was NOT going to witness all of that.
Daddy keeps teasing me to prove he's not mad, but it really just makes me feel bad. ._. Angela's doing all the important stuff for me. @.@ And Kenny took me to the doctor.
Everyone keeps saying I should be happy I can get a new car, but I don't have the money to get one. ._. It's basically Kenny that's going to be buying it. ;-; And I just want my Trooper back! T.T I WANT MY TROOPER.
-sighs- Well. Honestly this post was just to distract me from calling work. >.<;;; So I suppose I oughta do that.
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Dad wants to talk to me about stuff. I think it's looking like we may have to use the marriage fund for Mrh car funds. ._.; and you know. As much as I really, really do want to marry my Kenny, I think maybe this being a real excuse to put it off, instead of just poor planning, is okay. At least okay with me. -shrugs-
also, Robin won't stop talking to me and it's turning my brain to mush. ._. all I wanted was to hang out in the living room since I've been in bedroom all day, but this isn't worth it. xD;
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[7th January, 2012] |
Kenny had been doing good, but now he's slipped back into a few selfish habits and it's pissing me off.
Last night he was getting melatonin pills.
"Are you buying those?"
"I planned on it."
"Then why is it the first item on the conveyor with my things? :l"
He does that a lot. He tries to slip his stuff into my stuff. He knows very well that I do NOT have a lot of money right now, and won't for the next two or three weeks, and yet he still wanted to try his hardest not to pay for anything that night.
Later on we tried to fool around and then I just ended up giving him a hand-job. (sorry for the tmi. but I'm steamed) Yeah, thanks kid. :l It wouldn't suck so much if that didn't happen all the damn time.
All night he kept stealing the covers. I know that he can't really help that, but it just makes it worse when SNATCHES them back when I try to take some. It was freezing because he refuses to ever turn the fan down. I did not sleep.
So then I have to wake up to take HIS mother to work. (It was never decided why I was more eligible. He just didn't want to.)
"Kenny could you please take her. I didn't sleep very well."
"Well it took me forever to sleep and I have to work an eight hour day. You can take a nap when you get home."
=.= Ooooh, that set me off. I put my clothes on loudly and threw things. Turned the light on without telling him. I tell him that I didn't sleep well because some mother fucker kept taking the blankets from me all night. Said "a nice boy would take his mom to work, not make his sick girlfriend have to." Nothing. He just pulls the covers over his head. Fuck him. I took three packages of his swiss rolls. I should throw Jack at him.
I am angry.
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[30th December, 2011] |
Ashley and Robin kind of hurt my feelings today. It wasn't their fault. They're just a mom and daughter. Of course they're going to click. It's just that Ashley's kind of actually really selfish sometimes.
To put it simply: I was completely left out of girls' day out. It was more "Robin and Ashley's day out, Mrh you can tag along too."
They kept leaving me behind any time I wanted to go look at something. At one point they checked out and even went to the car without telling me while I was trying things on in the dressing rooms. I never got an opinion on anything I tried on. Oh well. It all looked really nice on me. I bought much more than I should have. But I like feeling nice about myself. Especially when I don't feel nice around Ashley anymore. (She literally did not speak a word to me for about an hour this morning. And you all know I have problems with the silent treatment)
I'm hiding out in the bedroom because I cried a lot when we finally got home. A lot of a lot. I really haven't missed my mother this much ever, I don't think. Except for when I was first moving in with Dad. I miss having someone special understand me, and want to do fun things with me. Kenny isn't the same. He's a man. Of course it's different. And so many of my friends have moved away now. I don't want to make anyone feel guilty of course, but I really do feel lonely anymore. I just really... really miss Mommy. So much. I miss having treats. Her buying something nice for me once in a while. No one buys me anything fun anymore. And it's not that I want things. I just want the thought. I want someone to think about me.
I'm kind of freaking out. It's only seven and I want to go to bed.
Bad day.
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[28th December, 2011] |
I already forgot you moved and it actually made me kind of sad. ._. But mostly because I had just woken up, so my mind was all, "BLAGH." It was no big deal. xD I just wanted you to see my W magazine because there's an awesome Chloe spread. =.= But now I just get to keep her, mwahaha. :D I hope the journey went well!
Bought a Kindle. It's pretty awesome. Currently reading "Who Censored Roger Rabbit," along with what Chrissy bought me, Princess Knight, which I adore. =.= I also bought another pin-up book. ._.; But it's of famous Old Hollywood stars. And then two magazines. I think I want to start an inspiration scrapbook.
A tire hit Kenny's car as I was driving home and I almost had a heart attack. ;-; He told me not to feel bad, but I broke the bumper and there's rubber like... rubbed... ._. onto the bumper. LIKE A SKID, that's what I meant. Yeah. Poop. I pulled off on 14th at the QuikTrip and we had chili dogs for dinner. They were okay. I was pissed that QuikTrip POSSESSES ABSOLUTELY NO PLASTIC SILVERWARE OF ANY SORT. So I became a mess. The jalapeno's got on my nose and made it burn.
We got home and "watched" Kung Fu Panda 2 (I really only paid any attention to Gary Oldman's character because I liked hearing him talk. Chinese peacock with a British accent. -giggles-) and then I realized that SG took $24 for rebilling. ._.;;; and I forgot it was going to. It's all good though. I'm not CRIPPLED by any means. Only two days until payday. ^.^ But yeah. I canceled my account. ._. Hope everyone saved their women. I did. =.=
Well, I better get around so I can get to work on time for once. ._.; I've been late the past couple days.
BY THE WAY, AMY. MY SNOW WHITE TOY IS ACTUALLY VERY FUN. ._.
IT'S ALMOST JANUARY. CHRISTMAS WILL BE OFFICIALLY OVER. NOW I HAVE TO WORK ON MY FUCKING WEDDING. x_X
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[18th December, 2011] |
Knowing Mya's so close to moving makes me extremely happy. Like seriously. It does. You have no idea, Mya dear.
but life is full of irony. It seems that we all will probably have to live here another six months after April in order to make money to get a house. it seriously seizes my heart. I hate it. They looked at one house and Kenny said that them, and then us would each be paying $500 a month if we got it. But that's where we are right now. I won't be able to go to work less. I dunno.
Fuck beans. :/ I hate budgets.
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[1st December, 2011] |
I don't think Kenny liked his Christmas present. ._. -sighs-
-edit-
Also, now my book is more expensive at B&N. Fuck my life. T.T
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[28th November, 2011] |
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My depression has kind of come back full force for some reason. I cried a LOT at work last night.
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[27th November, 2011] |
Chrissy, Josh, Eric, and I went out today and it was awesome. I had tons of fun. We went to Jordan Creek, drank cheery chocolate beer in the World Market parking lot, went bowling, went back to World Market because I forgot my wallet, almost got pulled over because Eric has no license plates or insurance because he bought his car yesterday, I had a panic attack from having open beer bottles in the car while Chrissy and Josh bought some Smirnoff and Guiness. Then we went to the park and drank while they teased me about being paranoid. Then we went to Chrissy's house, didn't finish a game of Scrabble, and played Jenga about ten times after that. We came up with a new invention, Denial Floss. With Denial Floss, it never fucking happened. x3 All in all, I had a fabulous day. The only crappy things about it is that I smashed my leg on Eric's tow hook on his car and now it hurts like a bitch, and I'm going to get an awful, awful bruise. What's worse than that is...
I weighed myself at Chrissy's. 204. The biggest in my life time. That needs to change.
That has to change
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[22nd November, 2011] |
Feeling kinda blah lately. Like why bother with my earthly possessions kind of shit. I stared at my wardrobe for like an hour today and thought, "fuck, I don't wear ANY of this shit. The image in my head that I want to be will never become acheivable." And I threw a lot away.
I always tell myself, "this is the last thing you're ever going to buy. You need to save your money." And for some reason today I really felt like I meant it... I want to save for a tattoo, a car, and beauty school. Practice drawing. Maybe read more.
All of this makes me feel so... neautral. In the middle. I'm so content with what I have, but don't feel happy. I dunno.
Boogers.
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[16th November, 2011] |
I feel like a piece of shit for calling in. Even Denny sounded bothered by it, and he's the nice manager. I don't think I could handle another day, though. Especially that late. I've been waking up at seven every morning, which in turn has been causing me to go to sleep at ten at the latest. I was scheduled until ten thirty.
The damage has been done. Blah blah. Saturday will be different. Working the weekdays is always harder, honestly, because I have so much I have to get done by myself. And we're always busier than expected. I should stop trying to justify myself. That just proves I'm guilty. I should change my hours again. Honestly, I should just change jobs. ._. I'm just too lazy to.
How hypocritical do I seem when I say I'm excited for Black Friday? I like holiday hours better because we have more people to help. And they feed us on Black Friday. I'm off at eight in the morning. :3 Whoop. And off the Saturday after.
Well, blahdy blah. I hope no one treats me different Saturday for calling in today. I'll just have to work ten times harder. Which may be plausible since I can finally rest for the next few days. Lay down and let my back just chill the fuck out.
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[14th November, 2011] |
Shea actually got me a present. ;-; Adorable ducky earrings from Claire's. I was SO happy when she gave them to me. ._. I'm glad SOMEONE in my family remembers how much of a child I am at heart, and that it's not always such a bad thing to play to the characteristic of me.
I really forgot how much I truly, truly loved--love Wicked. Reading it over again, I feel like I'm visiting old friends. I really just hope that I can fill Elphie's boots when I play her at Molior. =.=;
Work has really, really, REALLY been wearing me out lately. -.- And my next day off isn't until Thursday. I've been in a lot of pain, honestly, and I get scared that something's wrong with me. But I probably just stress too much, tense up my muscles, which leads to me being worn out faster than the other girls.
Robin and Mike still do not have jobs. This slightly irks me. I'm not going to say anything to Kenny yet, though. I don't want to offend him like my parents did.
._. I've been getting fat lately and kind of need to quit it. I get scared I have a tumor like Gypsy! ;-;
Oh, after all this, I sort of need to say, yeah I went on about how much I've been working, so I might not be on a whole lot, or if I do, then it won't be for long. I've been FALLING asleep at nine a lot lately. Too pooped from work to do much other than read. So forgive me.
Uh... I can't think of anything else. ._. so. Done.
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[5th November, 2011] |
Also, I feel like my birthdays have never lived up to what I expect them to ever since my mother died. I always feel like, "oh, hey, it's your birthday, here's something you didn't ask for."
I know this sounds very greedy of me. And I guess it is. But really. My parents never get me anything I ask for. Nothing remotely related to what I ask for. And then sister asks me what I want and doesn't get me anything.
Grandma and Robin gave me a collected amount of $70. I bought three new bras because I do not fit in my old ones, a new work shirt, and pajamas that do not fit me. Grandma bought me a work shirt and a pair of work pants. I bought gas and Chinese food with the gift Angela gave me.
Kenny got Finn and Jake figurines from Robin, and Super Sonic toys from me.
I'm jealous. I'll say it.
We went to Hot Topic, there were two things that I wanted, Kenny said we could look somewhere else and come back. We left immediately.
Then my money disappeared. I'll be getting it back, but I couldn't even go to a movie with Mya and Cay, so now I have to sit in the living room with Ashley who won't speak to me after I've spoken to her.
Kenny bought me a Krillin... And I really appreciate that. He got me exactly what I asked of him for my birthday. Wind Waker and Four Swords. I dunno.
Just complaining, I guess. Kind of a crappy twenty four hours. And kind of a crappy birthday. Again.
I think back on me and Momma's ridiculous Christmas where we basically went on a shopping spree at Borders and Barnes & Noble. Mom wanted to get me what I wanted. Wanted to get me what I wanted. I'm tired of people getting me things they think I need.
Tired of my family not listening to me.
I had wanted to finish my Hook, but I'm tired of being in the living room with these people. I think I'm just going to go to bed.
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[5th November, 2011] |
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Eeeeeeeveryone's got a problem with Mrh. -.-
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[27th October, 2011] |
I feel so intensely sick. All I want to do is vomit, and I can't. I even tried to stick my finger down my throat. It didn't work, and I didn't like the feeling, so I just gave up. Kenny went to Dylan's for two days, so here I am crying in bed by myself because I haven't felt this gross in forever. I think my left overs may have had something to do with it, but I ate them six hours ago. I have to be to work at eleven, but I know I'm not going to be able to sleep like this. My anxiety level is rising. I can't call in, Heather had a meeting with me about a month ago telling me to basically stop calling in.
There is nothing I want more than to simply curl up with my mother right now, and I can't. Kenny's the next best thing, but he fucking left me here. All I have is Gunner, and that's actually making me cry more now.
I need a fucking hug.
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[23rd October, 2011] |
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I suppose tomorrow night kind of may start a new chapter in my life. In-laws will be moving in, and things are going to be very different. I don't think the officiality and the seriousness has really set in with me yet. ._. Dorp doop.
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